February 2010
62 posts
I didn't know
my mother was going to lose her job my father was going to break his leg my sister was going to start hating everyone my financial aid wasn’t going to give me shit my life was going to fall apart.
I shouldn’t have graduated early. I shouldn’t have chosen to leave. At least high school was free. I could have had this year to figure more things out. I didn’t, though. Now...
I’m never invited to anything. If I am, my plans fall through. I’m done with my old friends. I’m keeping my best friend, and one or two others. The rest of them can just try and figure out why I don’t talk to them anymore.
I’m fixing things. My old life doesn’t fit into my new plan.
I want to be happy again.
I’m okay. I’m happy. Really. I just need a day or two. I need to leave this city. I want to have fun and forget everything. Drive forever, then drive back.
January 2010
51 posts
I needed you today. I never cry, I’m always happy and optimistic and okay. Today I wasn’t okay. I just sat in my car, sobbing, screaming, shaking. I kept looking at the passenger seat wishing you’d been there. I needed you, I wasn’t okay. Shit’s falling apart, and I’m going with it. I feel like I’m holding my breath and every time something else happens,...
“Are you 18?” “No.” “Shit.”
“The trouble with Eichmann was precisely that so many were like him, and that the...”
– Hannah Arendt
Make it big, make it beautiful.
I have class tomorrow, I haven’t done any of the readings or the homework. It’s just going to be a really really good day.
and today I have no regrets.
I wonder, do you think it was an accident that I upset you? Is there a voice in the back of your mind that tells you maybe I gave in too easily, and maybe you didn’t win, I did? Don’t listen to that voice. There’s no need for you to know the truth. I set this up beautifully, played it out beautifully, and I’m free.
Does it confuse you at all that you called all of the...
Today I’m upset. Today I’m wishing that had never happened. Today I’m sad and lonely and confused and tired and angry. But tomorrow I’ll wake up happy, even if I still miss you a little. I’ll feel relieved and calm and excited and everything will start again.
And I won’t ever regret today.
I’ve been laying here. Silent and dormant until the sun came back to the earth to darken our bodies and lighten our hair and our spirits. It’s still so far, but I can’t wait anymore. I’m itching to feel alive again, to be noticed, to make my presence in this city. I want to run, to scream, to drive fast, to feel beautiful, to speak my mind, to fly. I’m ready.
I'm thinking of watching New Moon.
mastodonstorm:
I really feel like watching a comedy.
Hahaha!
I almost want to get back together with you just so I can see your mom again.
I think you think I’m really stupid. I just want you to know: I’m not. But you are. :D
I hate you. Hella.
I wish Adult Swim came on earlier.
The most beautiful thing.
I was at the hospital recently, parked in a patient loading area waiting for my sister who works there to come out and get something from me. My radio was down low, Plans in the CD player, I hadn’t realized, but What Sarah Said was playing. I was more focused on the car in front of me. I watched as a grey old man, wheeled a woman out of the hospital doors. She had her arm bent over her...
“You’re smiling. So you’re either over there making money or ruining...”
– My father, watching me on my laptop
I had this dream.
I was breathing hard, rushing away from whatever was behind me, I wasn’t sure, but I needed to get away. I could hear your voice somewhere distant, angry, confused, hurt, just like always I suppose. I tried so hard, but I couldn’t understand a word you were saying. Then tires squeal on the pavement behind me, I try to turn to look, but the smoke has already filled the air. My eyes and...
Roses
Why are some girls so naive? He didn’t unbutton your blouse to see A better view of you’re heart,
Oh, you can’t blame him for trying.
I can’t date boys that are shorter than me. I can’t date boys that are less experienced than me. I can’t date boys that have more money than me. I can’t date boys that are smarter than me. I can’t date boys that don’t have cars. I can’t date boys that are in high school. I can’t date boys that aren’t as into me as I am them. I can’t date...
I’m just not a sensitive person at all.
I want to take winking lessons. (;
Standing with you in this room Talking to these walls Holding the hand of a mannequin Faceless cold and plastic He looks to me for comfort I look to him in shame I can’t help him now He can’t help himself He’s helpless and we’re laughing Because it may be our last chance
There was never a sight so beautiful in all of my life than hundreds of aged willows dancing together in the autumn breeze. I was a single car on a two lane highway wishing with all of my heart that I had someone to share this moment with.
We’re in the middle of a beautiful adventure that will ultimately end in death. You don’t want to enjoy it, don’t walk with me. I’m just fine on my own.
I think I like the new Tumblr.
I just thought of that time we were in your apartment, flat on our backs laughing so hard I thought I’d cry. You looked at me and smiled and I remember thinking I hadn’t seen you like that in almost a year. That memory makes me cry. He’s one of the most important people to me in the entire world, and you’re killing him.
And I said I didn’t have to be treated like shit buy a guy who doesn’t know a thing about me.
And you knew I was right like I knew I was right.
But you argued anyway.
And I tore your argument down.
And you never spoke to me again.
Because I knew I was right and you knew you were wrong.
And it was time to give up.
And we did.
My roots are back, and now they're brown, not...
I had a really great time with you tonight.
I was really hoping that wasn’t going to happen.
and you're still lying...
still lying.
I’m on the phone with you right now, and you’re lying to me. I know you’re lying to me. Stop lying to me. Please. Stop lying to me.
Change is good.
I have a weakness for comfort. Every time I go through a break up, I always start seeing an ex boyfriend. I come running home every time I’m upset, just to sit on my bed, with my blankets and my pillows. I’m leaving my job, and I’m looking at going back to old jobs. It’s not right, though. My father says to go upward and onward. Always. My father is a smart man. So,...
I have 65 shirts and nothing to wear.
Your little joke just ruined my day.
After the cost of books, savings, and living expenses, I’ll be keeping $47 of this paycheck. That’s enough for a Rembrandt 2-hour whitening tray, a new tank top, and foundation. Being broke isn’t that bad.
I miss you.
Am I wrong to accuse you of lying?
I mean, why would you lie to me about breaking up with your girlfriend? It’s not like you think you can get me in bed with you if you lie. And you’ve never lied to me before, you definitely weren’t lying a month ago when you told me you didn’t have a girlfriend. You probably just forgot about her. Lying about her has ever worked for you anyway, I mean it’s not like I...
The most important lesson I've learned from...
If you want something, go get it.
Don’t be the woman with the deep wrinkles and white hair looking around with tired, cloudy eyes at the last three friends she has left in the world telling them about the dreams you had, and the day you almost made them come true. Because when you finish the story, you’ll sit back, take a sip of your morning coffee, and say with a long sigh,...
You like really stupid shit.
It was never supposed to be like this.
