My friends, a chance reader, the Tumblr community, and mostly, to myself,
My life is changing. It is changing such an insane amount and so rapidly that I can’t control it anymore. I’m scared and unsure and I have no plans and for the first time in my life not only is that okay, but it’s exactly what I want, and exactly what I need. With all that has been changing both in and outside of myself that I can’t control, there are some changes I need to make willfully. That said, it’s time to leave this behind.
It is not that the Tumblr community is anything less than incredible. I’m just finding I rely too much on photos and text, videos and the intangible to complete my world. It is time to experience the world first hand. I want to see the cities and mountains and oceans and people that I awe at in pictures. I do not just want to be aware, I want to be there. When I want to say something, I want to say it, out loud to human ears. Not write it down and call it good.
I’ve said a lot here. It’s become somewhat of a journal of my brain activity. I talk about my day, I talk about my thoughts, I talk about my dreams, I talk about the way I feel and the way I understand things and the way things ought to be. I tell everyone, because I have no one else to tell. I use it as a crutch, as an outlet, as a catchall for my ideas and emotions that I don’t know how to deal with. I know the purpose of this community is not to allow a young girl to let loose with what is in her head, but for me, two years ago, it was exactly what I needed. I’m so grateful to each and every member of this community for what you have all built and allowing me to contribute in my own little way. Since my first post in January of 2009 I’ve learned more about the world and myself than I had in all of the years prior. The things that are said and seen here are beautiful, thoughtful, powerful, funny, and brilliant.
I’m moving on to who I’m going to be for the rest of my life. I’m no longer a confused adolescent searching for who I am, and what I want. I have no idea where I am going or how I will get there but I know who I am and I know it is time to get started.
Again talking to no one and everyone at once, and somewhat to myself, thank you for everything. It’s been a journey getting to where I am, and I feel that in some way I’ve shared it with you, whoever you are reading this.
It’s been beautiful,
AmandaCan
p.s. YouCan too. You brave, beautiful, intelligent person can do anything you set your mind to. I don’t just believe in you, I’m counting on you.
I wasn’t daring or adventurous. I was never the type to do something on a whim and worry about the consequences later. I didn’t dream big; why get my hopes up? My entire life, the essence of my state of being, all of the plans in my head could be summed up in one word - practical.
So maybe it was because I needed a vacation from myself. Maybe it was the idea that every good girl deserves to be bad every once in a while. Or maybe, maybe, it was the small voice inside of my head that said you never let me do anything, you never really live, and here’s another opportunity you’re going to wonder about and rationalize giving up for the rest of your life. Maybe, I thought, it was the girl I honestly was, honestly wanted to be, winning for once. Whatever it was, I said yes, and I don’t regret it.
I used to think I was smart. I used to think I was mature and smart and grounded having as many limitations as I did, living as safely as I did, having a plan for every step, every day, every moment. Sure, I survived. I got here faster, safer, and with more successes than anyone I know. Everything I ever reached for I obtained through being smart, being grounded, having a plan. The one thing I don’t have, however, is the one thing I’ve always honestly wanted but never admitted. The one thing I don’t have is a story to tell.
Let’s get started.
I’ll be in Washington DC in 6 days.
A little less than a month ago I was in an accident. No one was hurt, but both cars were damaged, hers a few scratches, mine over three thousand dollars worth of damage.
We were both fully aware that there were no traffic cameras, no witnesses, nothing except my word against hers that she ran the light. The officer at the scene told both of us together that it would be entirely up to the insurance company, and that they would probably end up having us pay for our own repairs.
Expecting a vicious fight with her insurance company, I prepared notes about the accident, photos of the intersection and my car, and spoke to several people about what to do. The evening after the accident, the insurance company called to tell me she’d told them it was entirely her fault, that they would be paying for the thousands of dollars worth of repairs, and to have a nice day.
The check has been written, the papers have been signed, the deal is over. With nothing in the world to gain, she’s regularly contacted me since the accident. Apologizing for what happened, making sure I am okay, asking about my car, and simply how my day was going.
People are so mysteriously amazing, sweet, honest and beautiful. This accident was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
